I use neither excuse nor pretense when I say I do not deserve you. I know enough of myself and encountered enough of you to discern the palpable truth. Far more than I need to admit, I care for you deeply and I must not let this linger. If I had not known you I would have gratefully held on to solitude. Alas, our paths did decidedly cross and I am afraid of what I will become for you. Already, your words burn my very skin; your voice resonates in my head; your heart has infected the core of my soul; I am at your mercy. Do you see me, can you? I wish to become more for you; anything for you, but I am certain of my weakness. In time I will break, and the pounding fear will materialize. I cannot, I dare not hurt you. Despite all, I fear to lose you to tomorrow. Stay, stay for now and I will be strong.

I wrote it down on paper to see if I could. And the songs that came with it, I listened to. It made me sad. They can never mean the same, and I’ll never feel the same. So here’s to that. Remember? Burning bridges. I didn’t quite get that and you never did quite explain. There was a lot that was never quite explained. But it’s too late, now. The fire already started. The bridge is burning. You never looked back.

There is a moment frozen in time. Maybe there was a song. Maybe it was just you — a whispered promise. Your smile and your eyes. Your touch. There was only us. We were infinite.

 So much for last year's new year resolution.

But you know, no use crying over spilt milk, here's another year to shit up. Another start (kind of) to another year. Let me tell you, it wasn't a very nice start, but I'm still breathing so it isn't that bad. This is my dog Bones, by the way, when he still looked like a rat. I need to get back to him, now. Just a few more weeks until summer vacation, let's make it out alive. I hate my posts and I wish to bury them (not delete, because I'm sentimental that way). Re-reading, I feel like I'm drawling and the tone, sardonic. That's all. I'm hungry.

I could stare at you for hours.
But it just wouldn’t be right.
You might notice and start another fight.

I can be with you for hours straight and get sick of your laugh.
I’m just being silly.
When you’re gone, I’ll miss your laugh.

You’ve been gone an hour.
I’ve been missing you for 3.
Hope you’d come back so I could finally breathe.

My LJ didn't stand witness. So,
New Years RESOLUTION #3 is write more on my LiveJournal.

"So the day became one of waiting, which was, he knew a sin: moments were to be experienced; waiting was a sin against both the time that was still to come and the moments one was currently disregarding. Still he was waiting."

- Neverwhere, Neil Gaiman

Have you ever felt you've been waiting? Just waiting. For nothing in particular but you have this anticipation in your gut and you can't just explain the feeling out right.

For everything wrong I figured I've been waiting for something extremely right. Or not exactly right. Something incredible. Something life changing. Actually, anything to put my mind off the gutters. I've felt detached from my body. I know I'm moving. I'm talking. But something is wrong. Out of place. Myself just feels so far away - so distant. I knew myself. At least I thought I did. I was this kid. A brat more than anyone, but I was still just a kid. I was mighty. Indestructible. Or at least I healed up pretty decently. That was a million years ago. Lately I've made a lot of decisions that were... for lack of a better word, crappy. And I'm not healing. I can't anymore. I just try to cover it up. Ignore it for a while. Hoping desperately for it to disappear. It never does. It probably never will. But I still wait. For what? I don't know exactly but whatever that is I'm hoping it makes everything right again.